Sex after Trauma!

Have you heard not tonight honey? Ever thought it may not be you but her baggage? Many don't understand that your partner may not feel sexy even though they are the best looking specimen in the room. Why you may ask? Well, if trauma had it's way it's likely that it took a piece with it. I know for me Breast Cancer strip me of all myself worth and more. Even today people see me and the first thing they say is, "What you don't look like you had breast cancer?" I think to myself what does that look like and did you say that out loud.... I digress. When I had to cut my hair I felt like I was helpless. Many people would say, "Oh, I cut my hair all the time." or "It will grow back." Well when you are made to do something it's different. Growing up in a society where dolls all had super long luscious locks and perky boobs with no stomach will have you thinking you are not the average girl. See we are taught how to be "sexy" at a young age through dolls, media and cartoons. It's the craziest thing that I didn't notice this until breast cancer happened. So I get my hair cut and cry for days and then decide that it's not the end of the world. I can't lie that entire week I felt helpless and not beautiful. We are programmed to believe we have to look a certain way to be attractive. How in the world could I do this to myself knowing I'm about to face the biggest adventure of a roller coaster of my life? 

I felt like I was losing a part of me. The sexiness was disappearing. The woman was becoming just a man. I had to prepare for all my hair to fall out and for my surgery with chemotherapy at the same time due to my cancer being aggressive. Yes, I had no time to even save my eggs for future babies. As I whisked off, I thought about how I would look with just one breast. Better yet how would people look at me. I know I would get strange looks. "Girl you tripping." I get strange looks now because my buttock is bigger than your average and when I did have hair it was wild, curly and free. So, stop beating yourself up about a breast. I had to restructure my way of thinking. I was going to live. I could have reconstructive surgery or just fake it. I definitely had to fake it for a while with my drains. I just kindly placed my drains in my bra to fill the cups. No one even noticed. I even laughed at many occasions when I said to myself, "Guys are soooooo smart."

Reminders that we have to be kind to ourselves is what I have learned through my journey. We are often so hard on ourselves and are going through a lot. I decided to stay in a relationship when I knew my boyfriend was cheating on me and being disrespectful because I didn't think anyone else would want me. I know you maybe saying yeah right but you have to walk in the shoes. Trauma takes so much from you that you cant focus on what's real. You literally have to start over, find your trigger, heal and work through what you thought you resolved before. I did seek professional help because it became to much. I had uncontrollable crying spells, sleepless nights and more. Mediation and learning how to love myself and that includes sexually helped me heal. See we often have sex and go without being pleased....

Women so often go through the motions and do not reach their orgasms. Why women do we do this? We are pleasers. This is definitely not me today." Excuse me sir, I need to get mine and thank you!" Try saying this in your own way and more friendlier (haha). Honestly, make it a game. I promise you it will bring some fire into your bedroom. Tell him to touch your body so you can rekindle where your spots are. Now it is your turn. What better way to recreate passion, intimacy and the love for each other. 

Pamper yourself: It's normal to feel like you are not worth it but hey girl we know you are. Now, go get you a sexy nightgown or a trench and some heels and have a great night. Heck be sexy, grown and fierce! Tell him it's time to role play. Communicate with your partner: Let your partner know how you feel going through this journey. You will find out that they may feel the same due to secondary trauma. Discuss how you feel less attractive due to what has occurred. I'm pretty sure that he will reassure you that every inch of you is sexy. If not than drop them now because you don't need the negative stress on this journey. Trauma can bring people closer when communication is open and clear. Explore, Explore and Explore: When you are ready go search for some toys, lubrication and some music for the sexy vibes! Something to spice up your bedroom. If you don't feel comfortable going into a store shop online. Have fun and include both of you! Most of all take it slow. So often we are in a rush to get back in to the swing of things that we do not take the time to heal. Take time to honestly admit that you have and are going through something major. Don't just try to get over it. You will never just get over it. We all try our best to learn how to cope with trauma. Have some fun and love you the most!

No matter what happens, no one survives trauma

without being changed Some way.  Battling any trauma is a  scary ordeal a woman/MAN can go through. Many survivors often say they've lost their sex drive, whether it's due to intense chemotherapy, HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY  or low self-esteem due to a mastectomy or a lumpectomy. Feeling sexy after breast cancer can take some time, but with a little extra care, survivors can get back their mojo, and then some.

  

-Cathy L. Parker